Apparently missed several
Posted by Swyn on 05 July 2000 at 09:27:07:
In Reply to: The Return of the Goofi... posted by Darth Swyndlius, Lord of the Gish on 05 July 2000 at 09:05:56:
: :
: : -----Original Message-----
: : From: Hank Henschaw [mailto:sci.fi@usa.net]
: Erm, Hank Henshaw? Wasn't that the grandfather on the Real McCoys?
: : Subject:
: :
: : Bet you never thought you'd hear from me again. No, but we had figured you do something silly at us. Figure old Gremlin would
: : have
: : offed me by now. Or had you deported. Putting a hit out on someone usually does this sort of
: : thing."A death mark is not an easy thing to live with?" But not against me. EW. I don't even wanna know what that means or what it was. I didn't survive Gremlin's first murder attempt
: Good to hear it, keep up the good... Hey, waitaminute!!!
: : in October to die at the hands of the military soldier As opposed to the civilian one and Canadian lackey's Host is Wolverine!?! That hairy, hairy funny little man!
: : threats against my life. Nor their precious god's attempts threats either. Does it hurt much?...
: : No. Ah. His server remained down long enough for me to learn what it'll take to
: : survive. Malomars. Lots of Malomars. Now, with it's being ready this June, well, to you wonderful idea
: : of
: : revenge, I will strike first. And least. I tried to be reasonable. Read:Reasoned with. I asked for help. P-P-P-Please, Gremmy!!!
: : I
: : did everything I was supposed to, even to offer the most amount of help
: : possible. You fix one damned link and now your an engineer? Er, heh, didjya catch that? 'Engineer.' I tired I Swyndleto get them the mental help they needed. Unfortunately, we all tested negative.They did this to
: : a
: : 15 year old boy before. Tried to get them mental help? That's very unlikely of us. Now they try it on me. Oh that. Yeah that's more like us. Who's next? Bring me the Christ child. Any kid or
: : adult
: : really. So, um, to summarise, anyone at all? Seeing as how the Grempire, as they like to call it, is a cult "Firewoman you're to blame, Firewoman you're to blame..."
: : that's
: : against the idiots of the world. 96% of the populace fall into
: : that,including
: : you all. Did he just conjugate Y'all? Hence my trying to help save their minds, or what's left of it. Left of what?
: : However, no one would help me. God help him if he ever ends up lost in Chicago, he'll be really upset when he finds out about asking for help there. You all just laughed at me and gave me the
: : run
: : around. Blues Traveller sucks. So be it! Don't dream it! If you will not help protect me from the Gremlinites,
: : then
: : I'll just have to make sure you must protect them from me! And by 'me' of course I mean someone else entirely that I can't think of just at the moment.
: : By your command. Get behind me, Satan? I'm going to do to them what they plan to do to me this
: : June. "I'm gonna tiptoe, through the tulips..." I'm going to hunt them down like animals, and I'm going to destroy
: : them. And that snooping dog too.That's right. Uh-huh, get funky, that's right... Not kill them. No, definitely not kill them, perhaps bother them a little, or maim their houseplants, I haven't really decided. Destroy them. "Wipe them out, 93% of them." Killing is something you
: : people believe in. As opposed to figguring it to be an urban legend of some sort. Not me. Do what you want with the girl, but leave me alone. I'm going to do the worst thing a human could
: : possibly have to endure. The dishes in Gremlins pad. Death will only end their agony, and silence their
: : shame. You haven't seen these dishes, man. So instead, I'm simply going to break them. Into five seperate robot lions, that can each link together with the others to- Oh nevermind. Thanks to comic book
: : violence, Elvis, my momma, and of course, the members of the Academy. I have learned never to kill. Particularly when my very existence is at stake, I will not be entertyainment for the aristocracy!!! Er, sorry. Nobody gets off that easily, That wasn't what she said. least
: : of
: : all after threatening and stalking me. And steal my pants, oh wait, that was about someone cool... Not to mention, Gremlin's previously
: : failed attempt on my life in October. The one you "didn't survive"? Gremlin the false idol, Heir to the throne of Ba-al. shall be
: : first And Yhvh shall be last?
: : (he actually considers himself a god, as is indeed worshipped). He also does improv at the Apollo, but I digress. I already
: : have two addresses on him: One stamped on his forehead, the other pasted to his bum. He looks exactly like Jeff Goldblum. In which era? He's like 6'4, Not preciseely 6'4, but like it. And '4' What? Cubits? and very very
: : skinny. Emaciated really, actually, he doesn't have skin at all, well, to be honest I made him up. He hangs out at restauants like Bills and Perkins, with his Sony And only his Sony.
: : laptop and digital camera, smoking away Litterally evaporating before our eyes. and belittling everyone who comes
: : in.
: : He's in Denver, CO, now. Where? I don't see him. See, I can easily find out about him, too. Like, I know all about that little ass-ramming incident with-er, I'll shut up now. I don't
: : need to ask "his" friends for help, "Hers?" like he did of mine. I also know one of
: : his many weak points. The neckbone, definitely the neckbone. It's the way it attaches to the chestbone and the head bone that makes it vulnerable... His ego. Hey, lego my ego. All I have to do is e-mail
: : gremlin@gremlin.net and say "I feel like the brave little toaster." I have a copy of his book, News Of The Stoopid
: : (which does contain pie bomb building instructions, The custard one's the trickiest to handle.as he himself brags
: : about
: : all the time) Even on Thursdays., and I'm going to be in Denver on any given day. Not any particular day, just any given day. Where will
: : you
: : be so I can meet you and get an autograph. In the shadows, looking for his keys probably, see ya there. Once he tells me, I'm there. Literally, I'll use my handy teleportational raygun of wackiness.
: : AND
: : THAT FUCK IS TOAST! There are laws against cullinary rape you twit. Think of all the fun I can have with him. We'll sing, we'll dance, we'll laugh and cry, and play and make miniature dioramas of my favourite Star Trek battles... I can easily Bathe, but I choose not to.
: : debobbitize him Erm, 'de-' as in, you're going to give him a second penis? (You know, off with his head, down with the stalk), and then
: : castrate him. Wow, that's truly amasing, you come up with that all by yourself, or did you watch the movie of the week again? Trust me, No.it's best he never has a begotten child. Or a misbegotten one either. Plus,
: : it's
: : only fair that I do. After all, he took away my most precious, I can't remember if this is from the Hobbit or the Last Unicorn.and it was a
: : birthday present no less. It's my birthday and I'll annoy if i want to. Only fitting I do the eye for an eye, a tooth for
: : a
: : tooth, a nail for a nail, a most precious, for a most precious. A Jimmy Walker for a Horschack, a Pokerman for a digiman, a- oh fuckit. So good-bye
: : Gremmy's most precious. Send me a post card. And it was a birthday present, no less. Still? Then,
: : following in the eye for an eye bit, I'm going to do to him, what you humans
: : did to me. Tell us to shut up and stop pretending we're from Alpha Centauri? You cost me my right eye, Don't bet body parts in card games, "You gotta know how to hold em..." so now he loses his. Then there's
: : plenty of body mass to slice and dice. Chop and fry, shake and bake then liquify, erm, what? Slashing is so much fun nowadays. And easily traceable too.
: : Arms and legs to massacre and amputate. Which is it? Backs and bones to break, Scientists the world over concede today that the human spine is merely grissle, and not bone after all... necks to
: : snap, paralysis to induce. And of course, home made lobotomies. I had that game, damned buzzer never shut off. Right
: : through the left side, specifically, the speech center. No more speeches, no more speeches... You do know what
: : happens to people who get brain damaged there, don't you? No more speeches? All I'm saying
: : is, 'Give peace a chance...'
: : big surprise. Boogaboogabooga!!! Of course, this will happen to all the Gremlinites. And maybe even a gremlinitor or three... Even the
: : few females in this cult. No, not*GASP* the females!!! Yes, thanks to medical ...science, we can now measure Banger's...incompetence, I now know
: : how
: : to hurt women. I call them fat, and run... Off with their breasts. The emotional damage alone is the
: : most fun, yes/no? Maybe? The interesting part is how two members were kids when
: : they
: : joined 2 years ago. Then magically they got older by the year. 1 still is. The little bastard. He lives in Arizona, uses IP 63.14.195.5 -
: : 1Cust5.tnt4.phoenix.az.da.uu.net UU.NET e-mail addy
: : FordPrefect82@hotmail.com
: : and his dad works for a high-tech audio design firm in boulder. Boulder has stuff that's high-tech? I thought they were all birkenstock wearing, hemp addicted, non-smoker nazis from the pleiedes moon of vengor or something. This is who
: : you allow to be corrupted, Hemp addicts? and will go down, No thanks, I've got a wife now. as well.
: : Had you bothered to care about me, Not that i recall. I'd have simply had Gremlin, Imp, Hunter,
: : Host, and Swyndle,... in the same bed with my stuffed animals and a bowl of bacon grease. the main offenders, institutionalized, We checked into it, they wouldn't have us. where they could
: : get
: : the help they so badly need, as stated before. ... In the Dead Sea Scrolls. But you decided my life was
: : worth squat, not even. Place adjective here? You called it two guys going back and forth on a Great, E-Pong.
: : message board (the wave of cyber stalkings/crimes of the 21st centurey,
: : BTW). Unlike the Twentieth century, when we just committed cyber-crimes out side of the internet.
: : Said I wanted revenge. Colon said this? No. Then what are you about? I wanted them healed. Hey yo, Jesus, WHAAAAAAAAAAAAASSAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!, Nuttin', just healin' the sick, curin' the blind. True, true. But thanks for the idea. To build a house entirely made of cheese?
: : Their minds can never be healed. It's a MAD House, a MAAAAAAAD HOOUUUUSSSSEE!!! No one wants them institutionalized for
: : their/our safety. Or for that little amount of money. So if I ... J Edgar Hoover, being of sound mind and body...can't help heal their minds like I want to, I'll
: : do
: : things your way, "Bend over, Smithers." and damage their bodies just as badly as their minds are. And all within the time it takes to figure out how to spell git.
: : I
: : must protect myself. The weather outside is frightful... It's do or die. Or be melo-dramatic.They want me to die, Diet, d-i-e-t, Diet. now they'll spend
: : a
: : lifetime begging to die. We could afford Kavorkian if it came to that you ninny. However, I'm going to make sure ...That my pants are looped over my head before...medical science ...Can remove my nuts. Damned wedgie...
: : keeps
: : them alive and in agony for a long time to come. A very long time indeed.
: : For the promise of a little mercy, Gremlin will help me track down his
: : followers. Them damned hillbillies in the Export that keep asking about his computer? And you inspired me. Natch. Thanks > : ) You're well, um, hmmm...
: : You see, you really should have helped me out.... Of that prison in Uraguay. My ass still hurts. Instead of ignoring me, you
: : should have worked with me. ...On that papier mache bust of William Shatner. For I'm the second. Of the Olson twins. A mere child was first.
: : You
: : see, they go after kids AND adults. The Olon twins? Which means more youths are in danger. Help MacGruff take a bite out of crime.
: : And you're helping them. Damned cool people sympathisers the whole lot of you. So I must stop them alone. > By the power of Greyskull, I need a shower!!! You'll of course be
: : thanking me, because Americans don't like child abusers. Or guys named Kevin. If you think I'm
: : bluffing, Wait'll I tell you about the aliens. remember, I was with them for 2 plus years before I learned they
: : were dead serious and escaped their cult brainwashing. Only to find that there really was a space ship transporting them from this mortal plane. You see the penalty
: : for escaping. ...Is ten days shore leave. I even asked http://StopNetAbusers.org for help but they
: : refused to even acknowledge my existence. As it turns out, I really am n idiot. Guess all you so called
: : protectors
: : are all talk, no action. But you do have kung-fu gripTM To scared to venture past baby mild tiff chat
: : rooms.Or maybe just smart enough to figure out he's a loser.
: : The big boys play on Message Boards. The even bigger boys play in bed cause they can't leave the room. And get off scott free, Scott's free? You can have him, he's icky. thanks to you
: : and your kind. Blasted realistic people. So, go ahead. ...I'll wait here... I'll do what you all are too scared and
: : powerless to do. Crack, and lots of it. Stop the Gremlinites, and save the world. Oh wait, this is the script from Small Soldiers. Then you can
: : explain to the world why you let this happen. Force A, caused reaction B, when unit C was thrown into the... Course, Hunter (AKA
: : Tabitha)shall be dishonorably discharged from the army. As opposed to not being in the ARMY. Which you should
: : have
: : had done anyway. Too late. Neeners. Then of course try her for treason and conspiracy to kill.Conspiracy to kill what?
: : She did sneak Gremlin a gun and some biochemical weapons. What kind? Germs. Ah. Now, she
: : and her fellow fools shall all suffer the fate. ...Of untold numbers who died in the pits of the slorr that day I can tell you... And the Army can explain why
: : they're training soldiers to kill innocent civilians. Good buisiness sense. But hey, I'm sure the
: : American people, as well as the world, will understand. Not if you're the typesetter.
:
63.227.42.21 - dnvr-dsl-gw8-c21.dnvr.uswest.net}
: At this point I figured I'd best sleep if ever I wanted to think again.
: ~Swyndle with cheese hold everything