Why? Because you can’t return it. I know that most people would gladly take store credit at Chuck’s house of Cheeses and Motor Oil than actually have a thought, but there’s no returning this one, not even for a slab of finely aged recycled AeroShell 10w-40 cheddar [tasty, and environmentally friendly].

So, here it is:

If you think that I [or the atheists, the schools, the nasty, nasty retailers, whatever] have stolen Christmas from you in whatever way [by not wishing someone a ‘Merry Christmas’, by calling it ‘winter break’, by not having five thousand pounds of crowded and unreadable banners for all possible variations — with merry christmas being featured most prominently, of course], then it is you, not the accused, who has lost the Christmas Spirit/True Meaning™.

Got that? Nobody stole your holiday — you threw it away.

Don’t ever say I didn’t give you anything.

PS: if you must bitch, stop saying “Chrissmas,” ‘kay?