In what can only be an effort to over-excite Jack Thompson, metro.co.uk found this newsworthy. And I guess it might be, if the headline were ‘Last Innocent Child Learns Phrase ‘fucking cow’.

Schoolgirl Khloe Leslie was horrified when her favourite computer game took her to a vulgar new level – and called her a ‘f****** cow’.

The 11-year-old was playing Animal Crossing on her Nintendo DS when one of the colourful animal characters swore at her.

Her mother Leeanne, 28, of Inverbervie, Angus, has now banned her from playing the game, which is branded suitable for children aged three and upwards.

A Nintendo UK spokesman insisted none of its children’s games contained offensive content. He added: ‘It is either a pirate copy or it is user-inputted text.’

I don’t think the problem here is that the kid is making shit up, or that the mother bought a cheapassed used [or even pirated] copy of the game — or EVEN that mumsy doesn’t monitor dear sweet little downs’ WiFi time, but that this person gave birth to this OTHER person at seventeen, and then named it after her stripper buddy.

Thank you, Metro, for proving a point. Not even a foreign news outlet cares to do more than the teensiest bit of fact-checking. Oh no, just shovel out the human interest. It’s videogames? It’s bad? PRINT IT!

In case you wanted to get a closer look:

Here’s Whitney — a character I haven’t gotten to meet yet — probably in Whitney’s home, telling little Miss Pink Hair No Taste, “Because I think calling someone fucking cow is PRET-ty harsh.”

Note the blueness of the font, setting it off from the other text. You know what that means? If you’ve spent as much time playing as I or Lil Miss Pink Hair have spent playing, you should.

It [generally] means user-input text. Now, I know that the silly names the characters make up for you also show up in blue, but as I’ve never once had one call me Cunter, I’m guessing that there’s an internal list of things you can put after the first letter of the name.

I’ve got a hunch about this, but I’m currently unable to test it out. See, all my townies are sleeping, or talking about cumin and Turnip Cassaroles — all’s vulgar in Nowhere, as you can see. Cumin? Come on, who talks about that?

My hunch? It goes a little something like this:

Kid: Tee hee. Stupid duck thing wants me to pick a new phrase for it. I’ll make it say what mommy’s boyfriend calls mommy! OH SHIT! MOMMY CAUGHT ME! Quick, quick, how do I get out of this. “I was drunk?” No, no, that won’t work. “It…it just…it just said that mommy. Whassat mean? *sniff sniff*”

Mother: “Why you li-wait, what? It just called you a fucking cow out of nowhere?” What’s that I smell? Large settlement! Yay!

Pictures are taken, news outlets are called, and for the first time in her life, Mother is glad she didn’t abort the sausage-fingered little snot.

That, of course, is a complete fabrication, any resemblance to any person, living, dead, or whatever is entirely unfortunate. Blah, blah, blah, legaleese-blah.

More later, probably with pictures.