I’m not really sure where to start, which is why I’m starting with a variation of, “I don’t know where to start.” The film was yet another Harry Potter movie, which means that you have to see four other movies before you see this one.

Also, you might want to read the book. Which means you’ll have to read the first four, and you might as well read the sixth book while you’re at it. If you start now, you’ll be done in time for the final book, which comes out on Saturday, 21st July 2007 [a week from now]. Or, well, if you read at least half as quickly as I do. If not, then I guess you’ll be done roughly in time to actually be able to walk into a store and pick up a copy without having a preorder slip, or something.

Why should you read the books? Because you’re going to be a little confused if you don’t know the story. Because the movie is almost like the book, if someone took the key points of the book, subtracted half of them, threw the rest into a blender, and took half of that to make the script. It’s a jumbled, rushed mess.

That’s not to say it’s a bad movie, because it’s not exactly. I’m sure it will work out beautifully once year six and seven are made into movies. Then, everything might make sense, but maybe not until then.

I guess I should start with something positive?

I was happy with the Thestrals, for the most part. They looked okay — a little glossy, but so many CGed things do. I was a little let down by the way they were introduced [by Luna, instead of Hagrid, which means we’re robbed of an opportunity for Umbridge to be positively foul] — and a little worried by it, at first. I thought they were actually going to have the little one eat the apple. And why would Luna, who seems to know about the creatures, offer an apple anyway, when she obviously knew to bring raw meat?

I was okay with Umbridge, too. I was a little concerned about how she’d turn out, because she wasn’t quite as short or as…flabby and toadlike as you’re forced to imagine her from the books, but she certainly had the voice down, and she added a slightly crazy, sadistic element to the character that seemed almost perfect. I wish they’d shown more of the conflicts she had with the other teachers, especially McGonagall, and given more than just a hint of her utter distate for ‘halfbreeds’. I don’t even know if they really mentioned that in the movie, it was all so rushed and glossed over and everything.

The casting for Bellatrix Lestrange didn’t even bother me too much, although she very much needed a little more development. That whole escape from Azkaban thing was handled badly, with the side of the building being blown out, and everything being focused on her. I don’t remember if they mentioned how many others escaped, but you’re almost left with the impression that the entire thing was all about her.

I think that’s it for the good. And the good isn’t even all good, is it?

Wait, there’s one more thing. Dumbledore’s Army was handled…okayishly…with a montage. But they changed an awful lot about it that I just couldn’t agree with. Like the giving of the discovery of the Room of Requirement to Neville to support the complete cutting-out of Dobby the house elf. Having Umbridge be fully aware of the meetings going on even after she banned all the groups and having this big thing with Filch sitting around and watching and waiting, and a back door appearing, and all sorts of other things. And then changing the person who rats everyone out from Marietta Edgecombe to Cho Chang, the manner of the tattling from ‘apparently willing’ to ‘veritaserum’ and the consequences from ‘SNEAK written on her face in blemishes’ to ‘just no detention’….

Where did that idea start? I forget….

Oh. Right. Displeasure with parts of the handling of the whole Room of Requirement/DA thing.

Also annoying was the fact that they were able to break in. That just seems wrong.

I wasn’t nearly as upset by the odd ‘Sirius calling Harry “James”‘ thing as I thought I would be. It wasn’t quite as people described it online, with him yelling out ‘James!’ just before he died, or anything. Harry is fighting beside Sirius, Harry does something, and Sirius says something along the lines of, “Good one, James.” It’s still kinda stupid and annoying, but…meh.

Other upsetting things:

• They left out the whole Rita Skeeter interview for The Quibbler.
• They threw in Kreacher in a way that seemed like an afterthought.
• No Quiddich, therefore no fight, and no ‘lifetime ban’. Which means no reason for Fred and George to go off the way they do.
• Who the hell got the bright idea to have Fred and George do their fireworks nonsense during the OWLs anyway? And why were the fireworks combined with the whole ‘leaving school’ thing?
• The whole occlumency thing was rushed, and a little lacking, in some ways. They crammed the ‘worst memory/Pensieve’ thing together with the casting of the shield charm. I somehow knew this would happen, because Snape isn’t nearly as bad in the movies as he is in the books.

I’m sure there’s more, but I just can’t think of them all right now.

One more thing. The entire final fight sequence, where Harry goes into the department of mysteries with the rest of the gang is so cut down and…strange. They took out the rotating room, the door that’s kept locked, the room with the brains, and the one with the jar of time, it’s all gone.

Also gone is the FUCKING PROPHECY! What the hell? You barely hear any of it, and the prophecy is important.

What the hell was the deal with that final fight, anyway, with everyone getting all smoky and flying around, and the weird jedi-lightning, and all that other shit? That was all just so silly.

My recommendation is that you wait for the DVD. In fact, wait until film number seven comes out on DVD, and then maybe they’ll release extended editions, or something, because this one could really use a little of that special Extended Edition treatment. I can only hope that a lot of the movie ended up cut, not that I can figure out why they’d make cuts. This is supposedly the shortest of all the movies so far — which totally makes sense, since this was also the longest book in the series. These days, there’s just no excuse for trimming down a movie this much. It’s got a runtime of 138 minutes. Transformers was 144. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King was 201 minutes for cinematic release. So what’s the problem here? We can make movies longer than two hours. Hell, we can make three movies longer than two hours, extend two of them, and charge people to sit and watch all three in a row.

So, why did this one have to be so short and so rushed?