I’ve decided, just now, that there are three kinds of movies: good, bad, and fun. And they overlap. Something can be just good, or just bad, or good or bad fun.

Skyline was fun. Pure, mockable fun.

That said, I don’t recommend that you see it, unless you’ve managed to sit through, say, The Star Wars Holiday Special. I’m not saying you had to like it, but you had to enjoy the suffering. And it’s best if there’s more than one of you there, because you have to enjoy sharing that sort of suffering. And we’re talking suffering here. IMDB forum levels of suffering, where, apparently, they’re screaming about this movie being homophobic.

…how do I want to do this, exactly. Okay, yeah. Bear with me here, I’m not exactly going to be, y’know, linear or possibly even coherent. Or at all worried about spoilers, because, honestly, if you’re worried about spoilers in a fucking alien invasion movie, you deserve to be spoiled. That’s like worrying about spoilers for Harry Potter 7 [Death, wedding, Kreacher’s not all bad, camping, emofest, camping, camping, capture, Gringotts robbery, dragon escape if we’re lucky, death, Snape’s not evil and he dies, Voldemort dies. Ha, and it’s not even out yet.]

So the movie gets off to what looks like a good start. Earthquake, people waking up, this chick who isn’t actually Thirteen from House gets all pukey…and there’s light. And a funny reaction to the light, because people get all…Dark-Willow veiny or some shit, and then they just go poof.

…and suddenly, we’re on a plane. And we’re meeting people who just will never fucking matter, because the entire cast is made up of, I dunno, the sort of people who populate the IMDB or YouTube comment section. A bunch of barely important twits who forgot to limit themselves to fucking Twitter. And, if I cared, I could probably just do a bunch of explaining in some twitter format, but, no. That can’t actually make this interesting.

So, here we are in Exposition Hell, and it’s like wearing special TV glasses where one screen is showing The Phantom Menace and the other is showing The Fellowship of the Ring, and your eyes are all Clockwork Oranged open. And, honestly, am I supposed to care about these people? Because I never fucking care. Can we get to the killing already, instead of hearing about Token Black Guy’s meta-movie, and how it’s someone’s birthday, and how there’s been a noise complaint? Am I supposed to give a rat’s ass about Token screwing the other chick behind the harpy’s back? Honestly can’t blame him, really.

And, oh, NotThirteen is now Late Pregnant. Seriously, fictional character, if you already know that the test is positive, what the hell are you doing going on about being ‘late’? You’ve gotten to the disgustingly pukey portion of the pregnancy — you’re a tad past ‘late’…and you probably should’ve noticed sooner.

Oh, goddamnit, the movie’s chasing its tail. Seriously. But the lights are back, and people are disappearing. And the sun comes up, and we get to see a whole bunch of people being sucked up, thanks to the Canon that also happens to contain pictures of Token and ThirdGirl [not Pregnant or Harpy] screwing in the bathroom. Because, for some reason, they took pictures of themselves.

Whatever. When will the dy…oh, flying cephalopode! Awesome. And it looks like someone tacked tentacles onto the back-end of the head of the Alien Queen. And…wait, didn’t I see this in that movie with that Scientologist and the little annoying girl with the jacket who couldn’t be bothered to actually walk?

Who cares. Because the exposition traffic jam has ended, and we’ve only got a few more minutes of creeping along before we can officially floor it into fun. Because the flying cephalopodes are here, and an annoying, yappy dog gets its owner killed.

And we’re escaping. Okay. Let’s all pile into some cars. Brilliant idea. And here’s some more death-waiting-to-happen in the form of characters who never actually get introduced. “Do you need help?” “No.” “But, honey, maybe they’ll help us.”

Yeah, whatever. Death now. And guess who it is! Token Black Guy, in the Ferrari…except…not quite. I think the tertiary chick actually bites it first, when the OohFastCar gets stomped on by the lumbering awesome.

Now, people who know more than I about CG will likely complain about things moving improperly, or whatever, but I don’t give a fuck. Why? Because it’s vaguely cthulhoid. I’m even willing to kinda forgive the plastic-ey, glossy ick that happens when it shoots out what I assume are tongue-things because it eats through its hands.

Quick! To the…uh, stairs? Oh shit, the flying Queen-alien/cephalopod things don’t just fly! They walk in a very cephalopodian manner…which is pretty much where I just shorted out and started giggling, because I just love watching those things walk.

Wait. It gets better. Guy we just met gets grabbed and pulled into the sky-octopus’ head vagina. Um…something happens to break the…whatever the hell it is, and it turns out he’s not dead. But neither is the alien beastie, which grabs him and rips out his brain and spinal cord.

Someone’s obviously been playing a bit of Destroy All Humans.

…and we’re back in the penthouse, where Lead Male gets shut up just before actually saying something along the lines of “They look like good, strong hands, don’t they?” And, in an impressive bit of intelligence, the movie actually fast forwards itself for a bit.

The military send in drones to blow shit up. Two kinds of drones. Drones to protect the drones that are apparently carrying nukes. And we see all this partly through the amazing wonder telescope [that’s hooked up to the TV, which is toobrightsoturnitoffgoddamnit!]

The ship gets nuked. Of course, it’s a movie nuke, so these people don’t die. And I’m no longer sure if I’m getting the events in the right order, because, at some point, they discover that the power and water are both gone.

I don’t actually care, though, because those are insignificant compared to the flying squidbeasts and the lumbering cthulhoid things.

Also, the military’s back. This time with people in helicopters. And weird fighter jets that might’ve just been gigantic drones, except I have no fucking clue, and it doesn’t matter, because everything’s going to hell now, and the drugs that the movie took back at the party in the beginning are finally kicking in…which is honestly the only explanation I can come up with for the sudden and extreme increased case of StarTrek Lens Flare Syndrome.

Pregnant and Main Nose Guy head up to the roof to try to flag down the military, who apparently haven’t learned not to gesture with their…whatever they weres. Possibly M107s, or something, because they were big, and had that funny thing on the end. Harpy and That Guy From Dexter remain in the penthouse, where Harpy gets…I don’t know. I think she gets sucked into the light through the telescope.

All the blinds fall down…which…I don’t know how that happened, actually. Some of them fell down earlier, and I don’t know how that happened, either. But one of the lumbering cthulhoid things climbs up, and Guy From Dexter turns on the gas stovetop and is all ready to light a cigarette that he’s never going to get the chance to enjoy…because the lighter won’t light.

And the gas is movie gas, anyway. Y’know, that stuff that doesn’t explode until it’s damned good and ready, because this was one of those electric type lighters, which I think might’ve been able to set it off. And, anyway, those tracer rounds those army guys were firing might’ve set it off, too. But, no, we have to wait until the Dramatic Last Words, just before the guy was about to get sucked into the HandMouth for our explosion. Stupid, stupid Movie Gas.

Up on the roof, our Main Couple fight a flying squidbeast. A human brain gets ripped out of it, and…well, I’ll just tell you what I was saying during the scene, instead of explaining the scene.

“Oh, that’s it’s head vagina. You don’t want to put that brick in…stop punching the head vagina!”

Helicopters get grabbed by hand-mouth tentacle-tongues. Funny fighter jets go boom. Cinematic physics says ‘oh, fuck you guys. Seriously. You’re on your own.’ And our main couple go into the light.

Some sort of ‘Day Three’ thing flashes up, and we’re treated to a bit of the rest of the world. The Statue of Liberty is shockingly intact. There are a few other cities, including what I guessed was London based on the giant Ferris wheel…and now we’re inside one of the alien ships, where people are just piled up in a bunch of brownish muck. PregnantChick is there, and the alien things somehow detect a foetal heartbeat, which gets her sent off to a special area. And Main Nose Guy’s head gets taken off. Yay.

We’re introduced to a third form of beastie on this weird brain-replacement assembly line. And the movie, apparently not satisfied with merely tripping balls — or possibly just not being monitored properly by a trusted handler — goes completely batshit. Main Nose Guy, apparently displeased with his new body’s less than impressive nasal protuberance, fails to bend to their will and the thing now has red eyes instead of blue. He HulkSmashes his way into the maternity ward, where Pregnant figures out that it’s him because of some…hand thing that he does, and, oh look, all the blue lights there are red now, too.

The End. Let us show you some action figures that are way cooler than this movie to take your mind off how incredibly disgusting their relationship is going to be now. If you really, really want to know, just track down a fanfic about Krang getting put into a mutated ApeBeast and boning April O’Neil.

Don’t blame me if that exists.