I have a free app problem.

I acquire them, sometimes I download and install them, and then I forget about them, only to rediscover them and wonder what the fuck I was thinking.

Romeo To Go is one of those apps.

I got it for free on Valentine’s Day, because I figured it’d be pretty silly. I didn’t really know what it was until yesterday, though, when I found it hiding in my apps.

Holy fuck.

I was not expecting what I got when I clicked on the icon. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This is the splash page. It lasts approximately one second, and disappears. I had to try to get this screenshot. It’s the fastest thing about the app, which, as you’ll see, is a very bad thing.

Once that disappears, you get:

Okay. A menu. I can deal with this. What should we do first? Let’s work from the bottom up and check out the website.

I didn’t get screenshots of this entire process, but I did get a few. Here’s a random sampling of their website:

Okay, nothing at the for-wives portion. I guess that makes sense. This app isn’t meant for wimmins, it’s meant for pleasin’ wimmins.

That’s…okay, let’s try another.

Huh. Shit. Let’s…go back to the app. Maybe it knows that I’m working from the bottom up instead of the top down. Or that I have a uterus. Maybe it can sense my boobies.

Go on, app, set the mood!

With…music? And videos? What’s your idea of…a candle and a fireplace? Let’s have a look at those, then.

So, I click. And waited.

And waited.

And…you get the idea.

This would be the candle video. Underwhelming.

The fireplace isn’t much better.

What you might not be seeing, since the video controls may’ve disappeared before I got the screenshot, is that the candle video is twenty-three seconds, and the fireplace is twenty-six. They’re not interactive in any way, they don’t do anything. They’re just bloated animgifs that cause dialup flashbacks.

The mood is certainly being set. Let’s try the music. Honestly, how much worse can it–

Oh sweet holy fuck I’m back in the late 90s. I AM on dialup, and I’ve loaded a page with a barely-recognisable midi version of a popular song.

Current mood: Homicidal. [Pretend there’s an animated homicidal emoticon here.]

Where the hell…okay, reminders.

Want to hit home runs on the important dates in your relationship?
Tell us the dates and we’ll make it easy!
* indicates required

I didn’t get a screenshot because it isn’t all one page, and I’m too lazy to stitch them together, so I’m just going to transcribe the list.

Email Address — with a big red asterisk in the field.

This is an app. On a mobile device. You know what else your mobile device has? A calendar. You can use that to set reminders. Reminders that won’t be lost in your email’s junk folder.

Her Birthday Month and Day

Which you could set in your calendar.

Your Anniversary Month and Day

Another thing that can be marked in a calendar. Probably one that syncs to new devices. Which is something I’d have to do, because I’d forget.

Your First Date Month and Day

Really? Is this app for tweens?

Your Own Birthday Month and Day

I can’t mock this. I need to be reminded that it’s my birthday, too.

Nevermind, I can mock this. I know why I forget my own birthday — what the fuck is your problem.

Biggest Gift Giving Holiday — A pulldown containing: Christmas, Eid, Hanukkah, Other or None. Also, a note: We use this for reminding you about upcoming gift giving holidays. This information is never shared.

That’s a really odd selection of gift-giving holidays, but I’m glad you’re not revealing my choices to anyone.

Does Your Wife Have Children? Check yes or no.

Are they yours? Yes, No, Unknown.

Wait…I gotta go back and check something. Is ’email address’ really the only required field?

It is.

Gifts is just links to specific Amazon sections. This is getting bor–OH HOLY SHIT I SKIPPED IDEAS.

What have we got here? Could this be the app that keeps on giving?

Yes. Yes it can. Because I am not going to go into all these. The conversation starters alone will probably have to be split into several posts, because there are nearly a hundred of them.

The Love Notes will also be done at a later date.

Long Distance? Yeah, saving that for later, too. I’m gonna milk this shit for at least five posts.

I’m also skipping Greeting Cards for now, which leaves us with the Emergency Kit, which I will now faithfully transcribe.

Be prepared. Having a few romantic items on hand will serve you well. Sign up for our romance reminders and we’ll send you ideas on how to use these things later in your email.

1. 5-10 assorted greeting cards. Choose some that romantic thoughts and buy some blank ones that you can fill in. If you find one for an upcoming anniversary or important date (like her birthday) buy it now.
2. Assorted sticky notes. Get different colors and shapes and sizes. Bonus points for stars and hearts. (Don’t roll your eyes. Just trust us.)
3. 1 bottle of champagne
4. 1 bottle of her favorite wine
5. 1 bottle of her favorite wine
6. 1 bottle of her favorite wine1 bag of Hershey’s kisses.
7. Her favorite chocolate or candy treat.
8. Something that supports her passion. For example, if she likes to garden, get her some gardening gloves or seed packets. Bonus points for romantic flowers like seeds for “Forget me nots.”
9. A gift card to a local spa, her favorite store, or for stores that have things that support her dreams and passion.

Put these things in a box and hide it in your shop, desk or closet. Having a couple of things (that won’t melt) in your car is a good idea, too. Wives never look under the front passenger seat. Great hiding spot.

And yes. I copied it exactly. Word for word. Mistakes and all. Don’t believe me?

So, this is for a guy who has a wife who never drops things in the car, but is apparently an alcoholic, and likes hearts and stars.

Or, possibly, this app was written by guys who don’t even know what actual females are like.

We will test this hypothesis in future posts.