Brace yourselves. Another complain-ey, possibly mental-illness-related post is coming.

There will probably be a few of them. Hell, I kinda want to do one about depression…assuming I don’t run out of material by doing a lot of little posts about it.

Won’t be this one, though. Because I’m just not feeling it tonight. I’m not feeling much of anything, except slightly nauseous for no good reason.

Well, it might’ve been the Taco Bell. Or the cold lasagna. Or both together, because I woke up hungry for the first time in forever, and I started to worry about it after I ate.

It might also be the guilt, though. Because I’m not getting anything done.

I’m supposed to be doing a bunch of drawings, but…I just…for some reason, I can’t.

More often than not, this is how I feel. The interest might be there, or the desire, but the actual…doing-ness of it all? No.

This is going to be hard to explain, especially if I can’t figure out how to start. And I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who are going to think I’m even crazier, because their ability to create is just…a constant thing. Whatever it is they do, they just do it whenever they can find the free time.

I’m not one of those people. I’ve never really been one of those people, so it’s not all depression related.

Back in school, when I had to write a paper or a short story, I usually found myself doing it all at once the night before it was due, because that was when the right feeling hit. I don’t know if it was the looming deadline, or just lucky coincidence, but that’s how it usually turned out.

If I tried to sit down and do it before, like a responsible person? It was crap. I couldn’t force it. It just had to happen on its own.

These days, that feeling doesn’t come ’round very often. I think I mentioned that. Probably a few sentences ago. But, well, it serves as a transition into what it’s like when it does drop by for a visit.

There are two types of ‘feeling creative’, for me.

The first is the ‘having a good brain day’ type of creative. It usually leads to nothing.

Why? Because it’s not an actual feeling so much as…I’ve spotted those feelings in the woods. They’re timid little creatures — or creature, if it’s one big solitary thing.

Yeah, let’s go with that. I’m wandering down the dark path of the dead nightmare forest of my mind, and, suddenly…there it is. That creative feeling. It might be a single large one, or a whole group of little fuzzy things, but…it’s there. Right in front of me. Purely by chance.

And I freeze. Because these are extremely timid wild creatures that will startle easily. So I can only stare at them, and wonder if one will choose to approach me. And I know they probably won’t, because it’s not their time.

All I can do is just wait there and watch, and wonder what they’ll turn out to be when it’s their time. And hope that I don’t accidentally brain-fart or something and startle them directly into some distant oncoming vehicle.

During this, I’m also kicking myself for not spending more time in this part of the nightmare forest, because they used to be used to me. I used to be able to approach them, and everything would be fine.

Then there’s the other type. The type where I get jumped by an idea, and beaten into submission.

These moments seem to happen when I’m half asleep, and really thrilled that I’ll be fully asleep soon.

A wild idea appears.

If it’s a drawing, it’ll be a mental image. If it’s something else — something involving words? More words show up. Like half-asleep me accidentally kicked a nest of WordWasps that just happened to be at the foot of the bed.

Then….

My brain, being a complete bastard, starts hovering over me, poking at me repeatedly, telling me that sleep is out of the fucking question because we have to go get this down right fucking NOW.

Before I got the Nexus, and the spiffy little keyboard, and the Adonit Jot Pro, this usually meant getting out of bed, feeling like my own brain was dragging me by the neck, so I could write everything down, or draw something, or sketch the website layout, or whatever it was that’d just come to me out of nowhere.

These days, all I have to do is grab the tablet. None of that ‘getting out of bed’ shit.

Right now, I’m kinda hoping fora creativity-mauling, because I know that, if I happen to sense the feeling nearby, I’m going to end up running after it and trying to catch it.

If I do that, I might lose it forever.

I think that might just destroy me.