What's New
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Posted by Gremlin on 21 October 1998 at 09:56:51:

The board crashed.

The best part of it: I'd just written a nice, long What's New, submitted it, and klunk. So now I get to start over.

Ah the hell with it. Here's the important stuff...

I got twelve hours of sleep yesterday, woke up ,wrote a What's New that doesn't exist anymore and which detailed all this stuff from yesterday...damn. I hate it when this happens.

Anyway, I went in to Perkins tonight and sat down. I was kinda hoping to work on Scorpions a bit, but that didn't quite work out. I wound up talking to Nathan all night about various stuff. And Hutch was there. The Wampa had met him the night before, and they'd gone off together [ICK!] so he made a huge deal about how little had happened when they left. In other words, something yucky happened with this creature, and he's not going to admit it because he understands just how yucky she is. She is a yuckymonster.

I have this mental image [call my psychiatrist] of this damned wampa chasing Hutch about, arms outstreched gropingly, shouting wookiewookiewookie...

Okay, so I'm weird. You'd have to see her to understand. She is a wampa, just like the yeti in The Empire Strikes Back. During evolution, her parents were part of the control group. Have we reasonably determined just how icky this creature is.

Anyway, Hutch and the wampa left to go officially not do anything, leaving the rest of us behind to mingle. Then, the waitress got off and I fugured out how to make he go squeek loudly enough and high enough in pitch that glass is in danger. And no, I'm not going to tell you how to make her squeek; some things are better left unknown.

Then there's tonight.

I wound up talking to Nathan for a few hours. Hutch was there, but he mostly left us alone. Well, except to mention how nothing had happened with the wampa, which I still don't believe, and to tell us that he can convince people that he's mean and get crazychicks like the rest of us because he can convince anyone of anything because he's an actor. So I let him know that we're not all convinced, which he seemed to almost understand. Except then the manager yelled at him for tablehopping and he went away. First, of course, he told her it was okay because it was him, but that only upset her more. The manager truly hates Hutch. She wants us to set him on fire, I think.

Then he came back and interrupted us again to tell us that he's just signed up with AOL [what are the odds] and, once he's back from his trip to Utah to play Vampyre: the Waste of Time [what are the odds] he'll be in here to meet everyone and convince them of things because he's an actor and all. So that should be a whole bunch of fun. Joy.

So, since the board is gone now anyway, let's take this from the top...

  • Who's Hutch?

Hutch is this guy who asked what I was reading one night at Perkins at the end of August.

  • Are Gremlin and Hutch best friends?

No. Gremlin and Grinch are best friends. No one has any idea who Hutch's best friend is. Some idiot has been spreading this rumour than Gremlin and Hutch are best friends, but whoever that is must be a pathological liar.

  • Are Nathan and Hutch best friends?

Not according to Nathan. And he'd know.

  • Did Andrea and Hutch sleep together?

Not according to Andrea. And she'd know.

  • Did the wampa and Hutch sleep together?

Not according to Hutch. Most of us think she probably did though. Ick.

  • Are Gremlin and Hutch making Lurkers?

Not anymore. Gremlin wrote the script, and Hutch was supposed to get the funding together by 'pulling a few strings'. When that didn't happen, things changed a bit.

  • What's the deal with Lurkers?

The script has been revised down to an acceptable length and is basically ready to shoot once we get a few roles filled and five million bucks.

  • Does the waitress like it when Hutch gives her a hard time?

According to Hutch, yes. According to the waitress, we should set Hutch on fire. And she'd know.

  • Is it true that Hutch has acted onstage at Carnegie Hall?

According to Carnegie, no. And they'd know.

  • Is it true that Hutch was a major drug dealer back in high school?

According to the NSA, no. And they'd know. And that's a warning: these people know everything. Believe me.

  • Is it true that Hutch is a heralded website designer, fluent in all manner of 'net-based languages?

Not according to his website's sourcecode, which blames FontPage for its creation; and it would know.

  • What the hell is this guy's problem?

Best guess: he's an extremely extroverted codependant pathological liar who will talk to/sleep with anyone who will let him and then complain about them once they're gone. He's a dichotomous geek who loves to talk about himself and all the things he does when he's not wasting his time talking to you, but never seems to have time to do all those things between eight hours of telemarketing, eight hours of sleep, and eight hours of sitting there telling you all about the things he's doing when he's not sitting there talking to you. He complains endlessly about girls asking him out and then standing him up, though no one's ever heard of a girl asking him out except maybe for the wampa who is a yuckymonster and, in fact, what people have witnessed is Hutch asking what a girl is doing on her night off, getting told that they're not busy, and mentioning that they should go meet up at Perkins sometime like then; still, the only thing that's ever shown up to meet him was the wampa, though he claims that he never suspected that she'd be there or he wouldn't have come in that night. Also, he really seems to hate people who play Vampire: the Waste of Time, but then runs off to Utah to play the game of the century for the next few days. And worse, he can't always remember exactly what he's already told you or what you've told him; and that's bad because he either tells you approximately the same story as before but with different dates and names, or he tells you what you've told him as if he's just thought of it and he's smarter than you or something. He said his IQ was 187, then it was 192, then it was something over two hundred, then it was 178; but he doesn't know anything anymore because he had a heart attack, which later became a stroke. This is a guy who has come up with more fiction that Iassic Azimov. I mean, I don't wanna go off on a rant here, but if you put this guy in a room with Cliff from Cheers and that guy from the Isuzu commercials he'd be the last one standing. This twit is out there telling people he wrote not only the script for Lurkers but was a major influence in the creation of Scorpions as well. That is, he'll tell everyone that but me. He'll also tell everyone but me how close he and I are, how much time he's spent at my place with my alligators [though he doesn't even know where I live], and what a good idea it would be to sign on under him in his MLM. Actually, he used to tell me about that last bit, until I made it pretty clear that I was going to hurt him if he didn't stop trying to hire me. And We the Lurkers have tried everything we can think of, short of comeing out and telling him to, to get him to go away and leave us alone. We've tried leaving when he shows up. We;ve tried telling him how annoying he is. We've tried insulting everything he thinks is an asset, like wampas and RPGs. We've tried telling him that he's a dead ringer for Del Griffith in Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. And the disturbing thing is, he's a dead ringer for Del Griffith in Planes,, Trains, and Automobiles. And I'd know: it's one of my favourite films. We've strategically set it up so he can't possibly sit anywhere near us, and he's stood at the edge of the table and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and this guy may be the stoopidest bastard in all of Denver. And I'd know: I've met all the others on Interstate Twenty-five. This guy is annoying and pathological. People have quit smoking so they don't have to stand with him in the smokeshack at his office. People have quit their jobs so they don't have to sit near him in the pod. People have walked out of Perkins because this parasitical stalker wouldn't stop talking and talking and talking. And he's going to AOL his way in here, and he's going to read this, and I'm going to hear all about it that night at Perkins and he's going to tell me how funny my News of the Stoopids all are and he's never going to go the hell away until we've set him on fire.

I hate my life.

That's just my opinion; and I'd know.

More later...

--Gremlin


Follow Ups:

  • Re: What's New MstressKat 03 November 1998 at 10:22:03 (2)
    • Answers Gremlin 03 November 1998 at 13:55:00 (1)


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