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'Very Stoopid,' Judge Says

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Posted by Gremlin [24.1.13.70 - c83540-c.aurora1.co.home.com] on 18 June 2001 at 11.15.45:

Denver, Colorado [NotS]

And now, the results of City v Red....

Red is a complete idiot.

This moron declined her Public Defender and represented herself. Her legal expertise is summed up in this phrase, regarding the testimony of a hostile witness:

Objection; that's a lie

Her primary defence regarding the three charges against her [cruelty to animals, criminal neglect, and inhuman actions]: 'I didn't know it was bad to smear neurotoxin onto cats; they test it on animals; it doesn't hurt me, so why would it hurt a cat?' [paraphrase, awaiting official transcript]

That animal testing involves the wholesale murder of animals for the purpose of experimentation--a practise neither performed nor condoned by Clairol--the makers of the dye used to nearly kill the cat--further proves Criminal Idiocy.

Red was found guilty on the counts of inhumanity and neglect; she was found not guilty of intentional cruelty, on the basis of her intellectual inability to know that neurotoxins are bad for cats--a fact evidently known by the cat itself.

'I think what happened here is that Miss Douglas did a very stoopid thing,' the judge said, 'but was not intentionally cruel as the letter of the law implies.' [paraphrase, awaiting official transcript]

Red now has a very short time to produce a very large sum of money, and a court order to take get-smart-enough-to-have-a-cat classes, before she goes to prison for violating the terms of her sentence. Presuming she fails to steal another creditcard, this reporter doubts that she'll be around much longer.

Oh: we got a look at the new guy. This pudgy little geek in a cheap suit. I don't think it was Foreman&Clark; I think it was just Clark. Given the outdatedness of this thing, it might have been Lewis&Clark. The money for these fines--along with the six or eight thousand she owes Terri [last postponed due to lawyers' fees in this trial in which she represented herself]--might not be coming from him.

Of course, that's just my opinion; object all you like.

--Gremlin

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